


Becoming his

by Charlotte_Star



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Implied Relationships, Spoilers, Trans Armin Arlert, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28630419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlotte_Star/pseuds/Charlotte_Star
Summary: This work contains spoilers until the end of season 3 of the Attack on Titan anime series. Please avoid if you don't want to be spoiled as the work and the scenario depend a great deal on the events that happen prior to that. Other than that, I thought it would be interesting to approach an Eren/Armin romance from a different direction. Review and comments are welcome, I want to try and improve at writing, particularly dialogue.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager
Kudos: 28





	1. Why was it me who was saved?

Knowledge is power so they say, and that’s something I’ve long believed, and used to fight, yet now, the more I know, about the world, about the titans, about everything, the more out of place I feel. I am no longer part of a select group with the fate of the world on our shoulders, but merely one group of humans trying to make for ourselves a place in the world, and the threat feels more monolithic, and to me, scarier. Titans are titans, for the most part, with a handful of exceptions, I guess I constituted one of those exceptions now, though at any rate titans are titans, they have wanted to eat me ever since I was born, I’ve lost friends, my only family to them. Yet they aren’t people, they aren’t morally evil, they’re a force of nature, or at least so we all thought, though they still feel that way despite knowing the truth. People on the other hand, with loves, hopes and dreams, I can’t live with the lives I’ve already taken, the lives I’ve stolen, to prolong my own, Erwin, much of the scout core, the guilt still eats away at me. I’m not fighting some deep evil primordial force but instead I find myself embroiled in the centuries long cycle of violence between Marley and Eldia. 

Eren too seemed to buckle under the knowledge we had found ourselves coming to know. While I was more concerned with the world, and our new place in it, he seemed more worried about his new knowledge of his own mortality. Eren has never really confronted the prospect of his own death, even when he seemed to die in Trost, to give his life for me, he came back, despite all the times he’s drawn close to falling from this mortal coil, he has returned. I think from seeing him, that made him feel invincible. He could recover arms, legs, even teeth, whereas I, I used to not have such abilities. Despite living amongst so much death, he considered the only risk out there, to be towards the people who mattered to him, to Mikasa and I in particular. Now faced with only eight years, at most, to live, it has taken its toll on him.

We hadn’t seen each other much at all, he spent two weeks in the dungeons for insubordination. In normal times, that wouldn’t be the case, yet having almost a third of the wings of freedom in the dungeons was impossible these days. Upon leaving however, we barely came to see each other, both of us having fallen into a deep sense of brooding. Erwin was always on my mind, how I had to live up to him, to shoulder his legacy, how I survived despite being less useful and less able to protect the people I cared about. I didn’t deserve to still be alive, even on borrowed time, he didn’t deserve to die for anyone. Yet Levi pushed this burden on me, and made my life continuing contingent on the death of a greater person than I ever could be. 

Eren and I have always been very different in that respect on mortality. I never deserved to live longer than Trost, I’ve never known why it was me, who survived that day, well Eren and I. Since then, there have been times where I should have died. I don’t know why I’m still alive, but in that sense, I’ve had to always confront my own mortality, and I’ve made peace with it. Of course, I don’t want to leave behind my life, to die before seeing the sea, before tasting freedom, to leave behind the people I love. Yet it was always going to happen someday, and I never thought I would live long. A weakling like me, never deserved to live this long in such a cruel world. 

I suppose things might be better now. With Wall Maria back, I can go back to the places of my childhood, the places Eren and I, and Mikasa, called home, though I don’t think I can disconnect it from the other things that happened there, Erwin, the scout corps, the loss there. For everything gained, much had been lost for me. Maybe I might be able to see the sea though, after all, going beyond the outer wall. Maybe I’ll feel happier, tasting freedom venturing past everything, leaving it behind and finding some part of the world to build a happier life. 

Eren and I finally met, a few weeks later, at Historia’s coronation, it was an event more formal than I was used to. We were lined up in our long coat, formal dress, not that I liked wearing a stuffy coat in doors. I took to sitting next to Eren, I thought it might be nice to talk to him, maybe I could cheer him up. He did seem a little happier to see me, and in the end, we started whispering to each other. 

“Armin, Armin, you might be able to find a new job after this coronation!” He whispered with a childish tone that made me know some attempt at a joke was coming.

“What Eren? Though you know I don’t really.” I whispered back before being interrupted.

“You could be Historia’s body double again; you did really look the part!” He said boisterously laughing to himself. 

That remark didn’t feel quite so comedic to me, after all, everything that happened, those men touching me, thinking that I was her, and being utterly powerless. The fear seeped back into me. Eren glanced over expecting some quip back from me, and his face contorted into one of worry, upon seeing my anxious, fearful, visage. 

“I’m sorry Armin.” 

That was the last thing he said, before the coronation was over. I retired to my quarters. Shutters closed on the windows as always, the only light in sight, coming from a defiant lantern to which I held my books. Piles of books were strewn around everywhere; the palace library had definitely seen its stock dented since I took up residence here. There were also papers filled with half-baked ideas covering the floor like snow. I had to find something to help everyone, to save everyone no matter what like Erwin, that was the thought driving me forward these days. I also had a bunch of blankets, I enjoyed holding over myself as I read, it was cosy and I didn’t want to risk making a fire myself. 

In the end it was later that day when Eren came to call upon me. I heard a knock on my door, though I idly thought it was someone bringing me a meal or some fresh clothes. Instead, I saw an embarrassed looking Eren standing there, an arm awkwardly hanging behind his neck. 

“I’m sorry about earlier Armin, I guess, I didn’t consider you, I didn’t remember that the bullies when we were small taunted you for being a girl, I should’ve remembered, I’m not smart, like you, I can’t remember things like that sometimes. I’m sorry.” 

His eyes roamed over my face as he was speaking to finally meet my eyes for the end. I smiled, though he didn’t understand the part that worried me. I didn’t mind being associated with femininity in a way, even though I was mocked for ‘not being a guy,’ supposedly by those bullies. It was them; it was the way they touched me, it made me feel sick. 

“It wasn’t about that Eren. Don’t worry about it. Thank you for the apology.” 

“What was it about?” 

“It doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t worry about it.”

He stepped forward, closing the distance between us, making us even closer, and he soon came to be able to see my room. 

“Armin, I, wait, you live like this.” Gesturing to the room I was in. “Armin, why don’t I help you clean up okay? You’re my friend, I want, to make sure you’re okay.”

“It’s fine you don’t need to worry about me.” I hardened my voice, I didn’t want to come across as defiant, but I hardly deserved his time, he had more important things to be doing than hearing my sob stories, and helping me clean my room. Besides I was a real adult, I could take care of myself, and besides I don’t mind living like this, and It’s not like it was any of his business anyway how I lived.

He began pushing trying to get past me. “Armin, please, I want to make sure you’re okay, and I’m not leaving until, I can make sure my friend, who I care about, is okay.” 

I suppose I was at an impasse at this point, Eren was like this, he’d sleep just outside that door if he had to. Always stubborn. I suppose it wouldn’t be bad to have him be around me. It’d be nice to have company, someone to distract me at least for a while, and it looked as though there was no way he would be deterred. Be it colossal titans or Captain Levi, nothing would stop him, when he’d set his mind to something. Even saving me apparently and even coming to do household mundanities with me. I let out a sigh. 

“Fine Eren, I suppose I wouldn’t mind the company.”

We got to work with military efficiency, something Levi had drilled into us. He was not known for his obsession with cleanliness yet it was very much there. Though the first thing we did was open the shutters, and it was at that point I was confronted with the corner of the world I found myself living in. Old clothes were strewn randomly, empty bottles and glasses stacked in similarly random corners, papers covering almost the entire floor to the point that only small sections of stone were visible. My bed sheets were stained, and the previously strong and defiant lantern was eclipsed even by the twilight of the ending day. The books, were towered high, and precarious, to the point Eren had fallen into them on his journey to open the shutters. He went to find a servant to bring a duster, and I was left to contemplate my own squalor. Perhaps it wasn’t healthy, to live like this, maybe Eren’s right, I thought as I breathed out and fell onto my bed. 

Eren returned soon with various implements, and a bin, first we set about ordering and putting the books in a corner, so as to allow for floor space, to begin removing the papers. Eren seemed curious about the papers in particular.

“Hey Armin, what were you writing? On all of this?”

“It’s nothing, we should probably just dispose of it.” 

“I guess you’re right. You’re sure there’s nothing useful on them.”

“Nothing more than rambling by the person who left this room in such a state.”

He chuckled, and got back to work. He started dusting the room, and soon the air was filled with the specks of dust dancing together, coloured by the light. It was something beautiful wonderful. Having Eren here, seeing everything and seeing my room gradually being put in order made me feel happy for some reason. I hadn’t felt happy in a long time. The sun started to sink in the sky, and it was getting progressively harder to clean as the darkness closed in. 

“Hey Armin, I’m going to go and start a fire so we can finish up.” 

I nodded, as he left, I fell down onto the bed, it hadn’t had its sheets and blankets cleaned and changed, my smell clung to it, yet I didn’t really mind, I guess I just had a tendency to fall into squalor. I let out a single long breath and closed my eyes for a second. I awoke, feeling the warm embrace of a fire, and the distinctive crackle and smell of it all, a small yet warm light accompanying it. Eren was sat just before it, tending to the fire. 

“You’re awake.”

“You stayed? And finished everything for me?” 

“I haven’t finished everything, there’s still your bed to change,” gesturing to the silhouettes of sheets and bed fittings he had next to him. 

“I’m sorry for keeping you here, you probably had more important things to do.” 

“We haven’t spoken much recently Armin, I want to make sure you’re okay, that I don’t lose you.”

I was taken-a-back. “Don’t lose you,” those words stuck with me, I never thought about how things would’ve been had I not survived, had Eren ended up living in a world where I was gone. Though I think he meant something a little less literal, or perhaps morbid. He was thinking, of course, about losing me emotionally, losing our connection. It’s true we hadn’t talked, but I didn’t want to trouble him, he seemed troubled himself and I’m sure he was despite his upbeat demeanour. 

“I haven’t even really apologised for the things I said at the coronation.” 

“You have. I don’t think there was any need for you to stay here.”

“There was a need, at least for me. What was it about anyway?” He asked, calmly before correcting himself. “Not that there was any need for you to say anything if it hurts you, I don’t want to hurt you, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” 

I chuckled a little. I forgot Eren could be like this, and he was so adorable when he was correcting himself like that, and wanting to avoid giving off the wrong impression. 

“It’s silly anyway, I shouldn’t be bringing it up. There was no real way you could’ve known anyway” 

“I’d like to hear it no matter how silly it is.” 

“Okay.” I paused, took a deep breath and continued. “When I was dressed as Historia before, as planned I was abducted, and taken to the warehouse where the rest of the scouts came to rescue me. Before they did there was a man there, he started touching me, all over, without asking me, I felt scared and powerless, I didn’t want him there. In the end it was over quickly but I still feel scared particularly among some of the taller, stronger, bigger people around. You weren’t there of course so there was no way of you knowing about it.” 

“I’m sorry all of that happened to you Armin.” He started to come closer it seemed he wanted to hug me, and yet he paused. “Would you be okay if I hugged you.” 

I nodded. Soon his arms were around me and I felt him close, I could smell him for the first time in a long time. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of him being there, all around me, caring about me. In the end I cried a little, with joy, at the comfort I felt with him there, he did care about me, in the end I suppose. We stayed hugging for a while, until we pushed apart and he still stood holding me as I sat on the bed still. He looked into my eyes, and I looked back, before hugging again for a little bit. He held me again, and I felt a strange urge. I wanted to kiss him. I couldn’t control myself and, in the end, I planted a chaste kiss on his forehead. 

“Armin, what was that?” 

“I just, wanted to.” 

“That was, strange, I guess. Something that I didn’t expect from a guy I guess.” 

There was a rising awkwardness between us. That was rapidly coming between the two of us. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, it’s just I felt so happy with you all around me.” 

“Armin, I don’t, I’m not sure I really understand. I should go, the sheets are next to the chair. I’ll see you around okay.” 

He left abruptly. I was left feeling depressed, as though I’d ruined the moment. In the end, I sat there stewing for a while. I really was the worst at dealing with people, why did I want that, to kiss my friend. And besides it’d never work, we’re both men, after all, there’s no way, he’d be into me in any way. We were just friends, good friends, and that was all I wanted, and all he wanted. I needed to stop listening to that part of me. The part of me that drove me to kiss him. It always ruins everything. I fell asleep in the same dirty sheets, not caring, not even stopping to undress, I just wanted to be unconscious for a few hours, so I could stop replaying that night, that mistake, over and over again. 


	2. Another way to be with him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for getting through the first chapter, this chapter deals more with the transness in the tags. The trans themes will develop over the coming few chapters, and I hope that can hold your interest. I initially considered writing a standard Yaoi fic, but I found that approaching their relationship from this angle felt more natural for me and so I decided to pursue it. I hope you enjoy.

I needed to talk to someone else, maybe they could help me come up with another way around things. I left my room, and went out onto the palace grounds. Historia despite being Queen could usually be found tending to the garden or simply just enjoying the outside. Part of me wanted to speak to Mikasa, but she was usually up and training somewhere far earlier than I was capable of being awake. Besides, she would just take Eren’s side and call me strange. Historia might be a bit less judgemental, part of me thought. 

I came upon her tending to a lily, it was wonderful, and she took such care in watering it and everything, she was so absorbed that I thought it best to simply wait until she was finished. She turned around, surprised to see me.

“Armin, whatever are you doing here?” 

“I wanted some advice, from you.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be all that helpful but, alright.” 

“Last night Eren was a good friend to me, he came and helped clean my room, and apologised for making me feel strange before, and in the end, he hugged me, and after that I felt a weird urge, and I ended up kissing him.”

“Kissing him how? On his lips?”

I sighed “I wanted to, on his lips, but in the end, it was his forehead, though judging by his reaction, he knew I wanted his lips.”

“What sort of reaction?”

“Things got awkward really quickly, and he left suddenly. Saying that he ‘didn’t understand,’ or something like that I think.” 

“Well, I think I know what’s going on here, don’t you?”

“I don’t, I think you’ll have to spell it out a little for me.” 

“My, my, the great strategist and genius Armin Arlet unable to figure something so obvious out.”

“If you’ll excuse me Historia, I’m not very good with people stuff.”

“No, you’re not, and not good at knowing yourself much either.”

Her words puzzled me. “Could you please explain it.”

“Clearly, he thinks you have a thing for him, and honestly from what you’re saying so do I, the only person who seems ignorant to that is you. He left in a huff because he didn’t know how to reciprocate your feelings, probably because he has someone else, he likes, or isn’t into guys at all possibly.” 

“I’m not into guys either! I’m not strange like that. And besides how can you guess all of that from that.” 

“I’m not going to tell you who you’re into Armin, and for how I know, it’s because I found myself in a very uncannily similar situation to you, at one point. Of course, she was a girl, and she was the one into me, and I wasn’t sure how to reciprocate because I didn’t quite feel the same way.” 

“Ymir.” 

“I guess you can deduce things when it’s all been laid out for you.”

“Even though you were in that situation, it doesn’t mean everything’s the same, between Eren and I, and besides I like girls.”

“Well, tell me Armin when was a time that you felt like you wanted to kiss a girl? Like you wanted to kiss Eren?” 

I stared blankly. I couldn’t think of anyone. Not one woman I felt anything approaching that same feeling I felt for Eren. Women were my friends, colleagues, people who I admired, yet, I didn’t want to be with one, kiss one, or anything like that. 

“It’s normal to have no-one in mind, you have to be in love for that!” 

“All I’m saying is maybe some introspection and a romance novel might help, you do love reading, maybe that would help you understand. You should also go talk to Eren. I know that sounds scary trust me, but if you could ask him how he felt and try to get on the same page about things it might be really helpful for you. It might be a little heart-breaking too, but this awkwardness will get between you and possibly ruin your friendship, unless you try and say something and work from a shared understanding. Okay Armin.” 

I nodded, in reply. “Thank you, Historia. You’re being really kind and helpful, and I’m sorry for wasting your time a little.” 

“Hey Armin, don’t talk about yourself like that okay, you’re a great person in your own way, you shouldn’t be all mopey and after all I talked to you because I wanted to, because I wanted to help you, and help Eren, and because I felt I had something to add. You don’t need to feel guilty, in fact why don’t you talk to me again after seeing Eren?” 

“That would be helpful, I think, I appreciate it Historia.” 

“Well, you’ve shown you know where to find me, luckily the palace attendants haven’t been able to triangulate me in the same way. We’ll talk tomorrow, about anything you want, and you don’t need to feel guilty, I’m being nice to you because you deserve it not out of some vague sense of obligation, and because I enjoy talking to you.” 

“Thank you again.” I said, moving away and waving, she looked back and waved  
.  
I didn’t quite know where to find Eren, he was usually training at this time of day, so I resolved to go once again to the palace library. The librarian was rarely around and when he was, I was sure to steer clear, I was bored of receiving that diatribe about shared knowledge and returning books. Luckily for me he wasn’t around, and before long I had stumbled across the romance section. It was small particularly compared to the military tactics, and politics sections, and another thing I noticed, the names scrawled on the front pages were mostly female. In the end I took two, one written by a woman, about a man she loved and one written by a man, about a woman. I couldn’t find anything written by a man about another. I took them to my room, and started reading wrapped in the blankets as usual. 

The first book, the one about romance from a women’s perspective, I started to latch onto immediately, the description of her lover, he seemed to come to life through her words, and I came to imagine his arms, his face, the way he supported her through everything. Throughout the story he was always there save for one brief blip. I could understand why she loved him, he just seemed perfect. Not that I knew or was looking for a guy like that. I didn’t like guys anyway. The other book was less intelligible, I realised part way through that it was written more about the male experience of romance, and was closer to a guide on how to get women to want to be with you, so to speak. It described the women in a more objectified way, they weren’t really people, more of an objective to find and take. It made me feel a little uncomfortable. I could admit I didn’t like women that way, though I’m sure Eren didn’t either. I’m sure that I’m normal, I’m not a freak, or anything, I’m normal, I like women in the normal way that normal guys do normally. 

It was starting to get late, but that did mean Eren would be back from training, I wasn’t sure if he was in his room, but I still strolled down to it, knocking on the door. There was no response, either he was asleep or out, so I opted to wait, sure enough he returned his hair still damp from a bath. I was struck by how he looked, his clothes slightly clung to him and I could faintly make out the muscles underneath. He looked surprised to see me. 

“Armin! I didn’t expect to see you here.” He said before slowing down and pausing. “Are you here to talk about last night?” 

Once again, I felt the awkwardness closing in. “Yes, but look, I went to Historia, to get advice and stuff, okay, I want to make sure we’re, we’re,” I struggled to remember what she said “we’re working from a shared understanding.” 

He chuckled, “You can be kind of endearing and adorable in a weird way sometimes Armin.” 

I smiled “I think I’d just like to talk about it a bit with you, and about some other stuff, if that’s okay, so we can try and get rid of some of the awkwardness between us.”

He nodded “That’d be good for the both of us, Armin, why don’t you come inside.” As he gestured inside of his room  
.  
It was remarkably austere, there was a single solitary table, with a candlestick and a few candles on it, unlit, and he had been out so there wasn’t a fire. It was remarkably clean, I couldn’t see any dust, or mess, or even clothes anywhere. It seems he keeps himself well drilled despite having been down recently. We sat on his bed, next to each other and I wanted to start talking but the words wouldn’t come out, and in the end inadvertently the silence dragged on, before Eren let out a sigh. 

“Look Armin, last night I’d rather forget about the way it ended, I’m not into guys, and you seem to be into me, there’s not really a way that I could see things working out like you seem to want them to. I might be wrong you might be hopelessly awkward but it felt like you didn’t just want to be friends anymore.”  
I didn’t quite know how to respond. “I think there’s a chance maybe Historia and you both misread the situation, I’m not into guys, and I’m happy with being friends, I like you and your company a lot, and I can’t imagine being really distant with you.” I paused. “That was actually the other thing I wanted to talk about, you see, Eren, I found some books about romance, one was by a woman about a guy, and the other was the opposite way around. I found the way the first one described the partner so much better, and more loving and perfect, and the other one was super focussed on physicality, and winning women and taking them and stuff and I didn’t really connect with any of that. You feel the same way right Eren?”

“Well girls are really pretty, I just find them cute, you know, don’t you find yourself looking at a cute girl and just finding her attractive. Noticing all the parts of her that make her beautiful.”

I was taken aback by Eren, I didn’t really expect him to feel so differently. “But you need to have a specific woman you are in love with to focus those feelings on, right?”

“Not really no, just any girl I see, I find them cute and adorable and I notice all the parts about them that make them cute and well, attractive, though I suppose having a cute personality is important too.”

“I’m not into guys.” I said, interrupting.

“Do you want to have a girl that’s yours, do you think about how pretty she could be, all the features she might have?”

“I think about that a bit with guys, but that’s just because I spend more time around them and notice them more.” 

“Armin, we spend most of our time around the same group of people, and I don’t feel the same way as you.” He let out a sigh. “You need to be honest with yourself, I’m not going to judge you for liking me, even if I don’t understand it, I just need you to know I don’t feel that way about guys.” 

“Maybe you’re right then.” I paused. “Can we hug?” 

“Sure.” 

He pulled me close and hugged me again, and this time I cried with sadness. I, guess, he was right, I wanted a future with him, living together, with him being like the man in the book, being a perfect partner for me. Someone who’d look out for me, make sure I was okay, treat me well, and also do certain other things together, and kiss together. We couldn’t have children but maybe we could find some, and make a family. But it was all impossible in the end. He would never want that not with me, unless. I pushed us back to talk again, still with tears in my eyes.

“Hey Eren, you know how you talked about the body double thing, how did I look, to you I mean.”

“You looked cute.”

“Eren, what if I wasn’t a guy?”

“Well, if you weren’t, we probably would already be dating by now, but that’s not the case.”

“What if I started dressing and acting and becoming like a girl?”

He paused, thinking for a moment. He was clearly imagining it.

“If it’d make you happy, we could try it, but I don’t know how you’d do that, though you already behave unlike a typical guy, you always have.” 

“Let me try and figure that out. Thank you Eren, for giving me a chance.” 

“Armin, it’s fine, I wouldn’t get your hopes up, but we’re friends and if this helps us work things out clearly and gets rid of all this awkwardness between us, I don’t mind trying it.” He paused. “You can be cute after all, and cute just like a girl.” 

“Okay, I’ll become a girl, for you. We can see what happens. I’d like that okay.”

“Only do what makes you comfortable, don’t put yourself through that for me.”

“I’m fine with being a girl, maybe it would’ve been better that way from the start, maybe it’s about time I gave into feeling like that.”

“You’ve wanted to be a girl before, Armin?” 

“I’ve kind of been jealous sometimes of the way girls are, and maybe I’ve wanted to be treated like them sometimes, though not like the time in the warehouse, but in other contexts and stuff.”

“You know, that makes a lot of sense Armin, more sense than you could ever know.”

I smiled. “I just hope beyond hope I can make you happy Eren.”

“I hope so too.” 

I left, after giving him a hug, and went back to my room. Upon returning I made my bed, and slept among those comfortable soft sheets, thinking thoughts of the man who got them for me. Eren Jaeger.


	3. I didn't know I could be like this

I woke up, and followed my usual routine, getting ready, and as yesterday, I went to see Historia, she was tending the Hydrangea, the myriad colours, they were beautiful. Historia was somewhat expecting me and noticed me despite her work. I kind of wanted to help.

“Hello again Armin, I take it you spoke to him.”

“I did, that’s why I’m here, though I’ve just had a thought.”

“A thought?”

“Can I help with the gardening at all?”

“Well, I’m almost done here, though maybe after we’ve talked for a bit, it’d be nice to have some more help actually. I don’t like the gardeners usually, they don’t listen to me, so I told them to leave it to me much of the time, but I must admit it’s been difficult to do everything I’ve wanted and keep the garden how I want it.”

“I don’t mind learning; I think there’s a lot of things you’ll need to teach me.”

“Oh? That’s interesting, anyway I’ll be done in just a moment,” She said trimming some of the leaves, and then taking a step back to examine her handiwork. “There all done. So, what did you talk about with Eren?”

“First of all, an apology, I read some books, and I talked about it with Eren, and you’re right, I do like guys, certainly more than girls. The other thing you’re right about is that Eren guessed that I was attracted to him, and he didn’t know how to reciprocate, so we ended up working something out that works for both of us.”

“You don’t need to apologise silly, though I have to say I don’t know where you’re going, with all of this, you’re going to have to explain what you worked out.”

“I think that’s where the teaching thing comes in, we agreed that I’d try being a girl for him, and see if we can build a relationship like that.” 

“Well, I suppose that’s one way to work that out, I’m not really sure what I can do though Armin, you’re not a girl, I’m not sure what I can teach you.”

“Being a girl isn’t just about the person you are born as, or at least I don’t think so, people have seen me when I’m dressed as a girl and thought of me as one, and so if I dress like a girl, and act like one and everything then I might be able to be a girl for everyone else.” 

“What about for you yourself? I know there are people who disagree with guys who like guys but I don’t care about that, love whoever you want.” 

“Historia, please, this is what I want, I feel like this isn’t just about being with Eren, it’s almost as though something different is there for me, something I can’t explain but anyway, I want to be a girl for me, and I want you to teach me how to dress, speak and act like one.” 

“Okay, I don’t quite understand it, but I’ll help you, I’ll do my best, besides you’re not that far off already, like you said you could pass for a girl already, provided you had a different wardrobe, you already sound kind of girly though we might need to work on your voice a little, but your mannerisms, you already act like a girl. You feel really non-threatening to me, I kind of get it you know, you don’t seem really that much like a regular guy to me anyway.” 

“Thanks, Historia, for trying to help, me, I’m sorry for being all weird.”

“Come now Armin, don’t be melodramatic, with an injection we can turn into ravenous human eating titans, there are far weirder things in this world than a person who was born a guy wanting to try being a girl. Sure, I don’t quite get it, but that doesn’t make you weird or a freak or anything, and I’ll help you.” She paused. “I had wanted to tend to the roses today but I’ll leave that to the gardeners, there’s no way they could mess up roses, let’s go and make you into a girl.” 

She grabbed my hand and started pulling me back to the palace, we raised eyebrows, though I don’t think we came across as particularly romantic, it seemed as though she was mad at me, incensed and pulling my arm out of its socket. Though I could sense the raised eyebrows when she pulled me all the way into her personal chambers. 

“You’re lucky you know Armin, you look cute particularly for a guy already but not just that we look the same, and we are practically the same size, when it comes to clothes, and besides you could probably make a good body double. It’s a shame you hadn’t told me earlier, you could’ve stood in for that boring, boring coronation, and I could’ve looked after the children and my garden in peace.”

“You know Historia it’s not the first time I’ve passed as your body double, and you aren’t even the first person to say it recently.” 

“Right? You’re super cute!” 

I liked it. I liked being called cute, and being told I could pass as a woman. What was all of this. I felt better just for being told all of that, I looked over at myself in a mirror as Historia got a bundle of clothes together, I started to pose, like how I imagined a girl might. I felt, more than anything at peace, maybe I could be like those girls I felt jealous of. 

“There, that should be enough, if you wanted to change your entire wardrobe of course.” 

There was a large pile and including everything I might need, including underwear, though I suppose it made sense if I was going to be a girl, it’d have to be everywhere to really count. The most common thing I could find was, skirts, along with blouses. The skirts were seldom patterned and it was often simple in floral, the blouses on the other hand were without exception white. There was a single dress, separated from the rest of everything.

“Historia, where should I get changed?”

She stared back at me blankly, “here of course, if you want to be a girl you have to be comfortable changing around them too. Let’s start with this.” She said, handing me a blouse, light pink skirt, and underwear. 

I stripped down back towards her, the underwear was the first hurdle and proved more difficult than I had really anticipated, it was designed to fit more snuggly. In the end I figured something out to the point that Historia seemed impressed.

“Wow you could almost pass for a young girl like that.” Gesturing towards my front.

“Now the rest of it I suppose.” The blouse was simple and button up, nothing I wasn’t used to, the skirt was buttoned too, though it got confusing. The fastening mechanism, this was my first time dressing myself in women’s clothes and I had no idea what I was doing.

“Historia, could you please help?”

“Ah those skirts are tricky.” She came over to me and helped me button everything up. Yet she didn’t seem quite finished.

“That’s right, I forgot shoes, and socks, and tights.” Once again, she was set upon the wardrobe and from its depths, she produced some socks, of ankle or heel length, and some pairs of tights as well as some simple brown loafers. 

“I think the shoe size is going to be a problem.”

“You’re right, I suppose, I guess, I’ll call someone over.” Poking her head out of the door she called one of the attendants and likely discussed the matter, and away he went. “Let’s see how you put on tights then.” She said tossing them over. 

They were comfortable, though at first a little difficult to get my feet into and a little difficult to help stay up, they were designed for women with bigger hips after all. “I don’t think these will quite work in a way, my hips they’re not.” 

“Ah, I suppose I hadn’t considered that either, try the socks then.” 

I pulled them up easily, they were a grey dyed wool with two red lines at the top, I liked them, and they kept my feet warm. 

“I guess I should probably do something with your hair too.” She grabbed a brush and started brushing though she seemed surprised. “Armin do you brush your hair normally?” Wearing a smug grin.

“I do sometimes, I like when it looks all nice and smooth.” 

“Well, I suppose that makes sense too.”

“Guys with long hair brush it too.” I was quick to retort. 

“I suppose you’re right, I guess I shouldn’t assume things like that. No girl was born with a hair brush in her arms after all.” 

“It is nice you know though, having someone else brush it for you.”

“It is. I’m glad you like it.”

She grabbed some hair bands from her dressing table, and tied my hair in the same small way she did hers. 

“Well, I suppose there’s a reason you were my body double after all,” as she gestured towards the mirror.

I still saw myself, but wearing different clothes and the subtle changes with my hair, it recontextualised my face as something feminine, in a way I preferred. I felt strangely normal and calm beyond anything. 

“However, will we get all these clothes from here to your room.” Historia muttered to herself, “maybe I could use the attendants to.”

I interrupted saying “I don’t want the entire palace to know what I’m doing.” 

“I should’ve considered that,” she nodded, “though you know you do seem different, in your demeanour like this, tell me, do you feel happier at all?”

“I do.” 

“Well, if that’s the case maybe it’s time you told people about you and how you are now, if it makes you happy why not do this all the time.” 

“All the time,” I repeated under my breath. 

I wouldn’t say no, though I felt something nagging, a worry that other people might think I’m weird and besides this is just my first day of all of this, I should wait until I’m surer. 

"Historia, I appreciate it, and everything but, I think I’d prefer waiting a little bit to make sure this is what I want, and besides giving me all of this, when I wouldn’t be able to change into it without you.”

“You weren’t hopeless certainly not for a first try, and those skirts are tricky but that’s just how they are I’m afraid. You’ll get used to them, maybe you should start coming here, not just to chat but to change as well, that way we don’t need to worry about moving anything, nor would you have to worry about not being able to figure out the skirts.” 

“I think that’d work best for the time being. I’m sorry I’m taking your time away from everything, from rulership, and from the orphans and the garden too.”

“The last one you said you’d help out with, and the rest, I’ll figure something out for. Helping a friend in need is an important government function in its own way.” She paused. “Oh, that’s right, makeup, I forgot makeup.” She sat me at her dressing table in front of an ornate mirror. “I think all I’ll do is a little on your lips, and a touch of perfume, of course.” Said as she started working, though it didn’t take her long, to do my lips effectively, and a single puff of perfume, it smelled like lavender, I think I liked it. “Well, what do you think.”

“I haven’t changed much, but I do like it, I look something like those women I felt, well, jealous of before.” 

“Do you feel happy?”

“I do.”

“Well, that’s all I really wanted. Though you know I think there’d be someone who’d be interested in seeing you.” 

“I should go see Eren, though I don’t exactly know where he is.”

“Why don’t you come with me to the dining room then at least, he’s sure to turn up at some point, and besides I never ever see you there.” 

“I usually kind of take my lunch in my room.”

“So, you never leave your room?”

“Not really. I’ve liked it there, I have to study and learn all of the history and tactics I can so I can take Erwin’s place, he died so that I could.”

“Stop.” She said plainly. “You.” She stopped again, trying to find the right things to say. “That’s a silly way of looking at it, I’ve read the reports. It wasn’t you who made any of the choices in anything, and sometimes, it’s better to move on.”

“But everyone else expects me to take his place.” 

“No, they don’t.” 

“But they all said it would’ve been better if he had lived.”

“We can never know that Armin, how would we know a world where you had died and he had lived.” 

“Everyone said it.”

“How did they know?”

“They said so.”

“Many of them were attached to Erwin, and he did do humanity a service with his heroism and strategic prowess. But his time came, we can’t say anything else about it. All we know is that his time would come. That’s what Levi said didn’t he?”

“I’ll never trust him, for thrusting me back to life without asking me.” Tears started to well up inside. 

“He made the choice, but everyone has a time, and when their time is up, then they have to go, Levi may have been the one who made that choice, but there were other choices that made this situation, and it was through no fault of your own that things came to pass in such a terrible way. You don’t need to feel guilty for being the one who lived, just focus on enjoying the time you have left, with the people you have left. Think about it, Armin, a world where Eren was without you.”

I took a second to pause. He had been down recently or at least that’s what I thought, not that I’d seen him much, though it did seem like he didn’t really need me anymore, if anything I needed him. “That’s not really true Historia, Eren would be fine without me in the end, he might be sad, but there’s no way that in the end he wouldn’t just move on from me, the truth is I need him more than he needs me.”

“That’s not the story I heard from the scouts. Remember Armin he spent two weeks in the dungeons for insubordination in trying to force Levi to bring you back, I heard from others that he acted irrationally, he seemed to feel so much pain at losing you that it seemed to almost overcome him.”

“That’s just Eren, he’s stubborn, he won’t let things go.”

“I don’t think it’s just that I think, if you could ask him, about it, it’d start to make more sense for you.”

“I suppose so.” 

“Anyway, why don’t we retire to the dining room together, it’d do you some good to leave that stuffy old room of yours anyway.”

I ended up following her lead, much as I had this entire morning, I didn't feel bad about it at all, in fact being like this, it seemed to trigger some sort of joy within me, I wasn't quite sure what it meant. Even going through the palace I felt people looking at me differently, it too made me feel somewhat at peace. I didn't need to worry about being a guy, I didn't need to worry about being manly and tough, I could just be myself, and be the person I had always wanted. It was exciting, to finally know that I didn't have to be defined by being a guy anymore. I was looking forward to seeing how life would feel from this new perspective.


	4. Kisses and boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter might have been a little annoying for some, considering it lacked much Eren/Armin interaction, this chapter should hopefully make up for that.

We reached the dining room I didn’t recognise most of the people, the scouts tended to return later from training, if they weren’t working on academic or lab assignments. There was one person from the scouts sitting to eat, Hange, wearing their square glasses for a change, I felt them scanning the dining room, as if they could feel my distant gaze. Then they noticed. Leaving their food behind so entranced by me, apparently at least. They came and sat opposite Historia and I with a smile on their face.

“Well, if it isn’t as though there are two Historias here.” They said with a grin.

“Very funny Captain Hange.” 

“You mean commander, right?” Historia looked to me. 

“Commander, sorry.” 

“It’s alright, I’m still getting used to it all myself you know. Wait, who are you exactly?” 

“Armin, can’t you recognise me?”

“I wasn’t quite sure, to tell the truth, though you calling me Captain with that little sigh, it made you unquestionably a member of the scouts.”   
“She looks cute doesn’t she!” Historia chimed in. 

My heart fluttered just at being called ‘she,’ another thing falling into place, making me feel normal and happy, I guess if I was being a girl, I could get called this all the time.

“She? What’s going on exactly Armin?”

I cleared my throat a little, “commander, I’ve been trying and experimenting with a few things recently, and well, I think for the time being I’d like to try being a girl for a while.”

“Well obviously I have no issue with that Armin, you know I myself haven’t had a simple relationship with these sorts of things either. Just be sure to visit me in the lab a bit more often. You know I miss you.” 

“Would you mind if I dressed like this, and called me she, and things like that.” 

“Of course, I don’t mind, if it’d get you to darken my door more often, I don’t mind at all, and I just want you to be happy after all.”

“You know Commander you did say some rude things to Armin before.” Historia interjected.

“Did I now?” Hange said in a slightly high-pitched voice. 

“Armin, tell them.” 

“Well, it was after the remembrance ceremony where you said it would have been better if Erwin lived, and that has stuck with me.”

“I still think that of course, Commander Erwin came up with the most fantastic battle plans I could have imagined.” 

“I saw them too, Hange, but that’s no reason to make Armin feel guilty for living.”

“Armin you mustn’t misunderstand okay, when I say it would be better it was a difficult battlefield, choice but I’m not blaming you or anything like that. I just struggle to see eye to eye with Levi on all of this, why he picked you, he always says he felt it was Erwin’s time, but I can’t bring myself to agree with him, to me Erwin was a brilliant man and I don’t think it was his time to go, we still needed him.” They chuckled trying to lighten the mood. “Or maybe I just resent him for giving me all of this extra work to do as the new Commander.” They paused, “either way Armin, I’m sorry for making you feel so terrible, I know how survivor’s guilt feels and you must have brushed with it so many times, all except you died in your squad in Trost, or so you thought till Eren returned, and here you are having me tell you that you shouldn’t have lived, I guess I hadn’t considered it your way.” 

“Thank you.” I said plainly.

“Thank you? For what?” 

“You apologised, and acknowledged it, I’m happy you did that much.”

“Honestly Armin, I’m not sure you can really call what I just said an apology. I think everyone in the scouts is having a difficult time, well apart from Eren, and Mikasa as far as I can tell.” 

“Eren’s having a difficult time, I know it, he’s like me.” 

“Well, if you say so, he hasn’t been giving me that impression. Anyways Armin, I hope you can feel a bit better; I think both of us still need to process everything that happened. Though that being said, I’d like to see you a little more often, you were always helpful to me.” They paused, seemingly wanting to go and tend to something. “It’s been nice talking, Armin, I hope I can see you soon despite everything, it’d be good to have a lab partner, who doesn’t turn into a titan I prod and poke all day.”

“Actually Commander, I can turn into a titan now.”

“Oh of course, I’m sorry, I guess I should look into prodding you at some point, maybe we can come up with some more sophisticated things together. Eren always seems like he doesn’t quite understand any of my analysis whenever I talk to him, so it’d be nice to have a titan who fully understands what’s happening. Anyways Armin, I should go back to the lab, you’re welcome to join me any time.” As they stood up and waved back at us.

“They recognised they hurt you, that’s a good start.” 

“It’s what I wanted I think, at least for them to recognise what their words had done to me.” 

There was a small group of new people entering the room, the scouts had returned from training, their smell proceeded them, cleaning out most of the room. Historia and I opted to remain; we had come here to speak to Eren after all. I waved towards him, he looked towards me but didn’t quite seem to recognise me, then something clicked, he looked surprised, almost bewildered, either way something was turning behind his eyes. He grabbed some food and walked over.

“Historia, and, Armin?” He said with an undertone of doubt. 

I giggled to myself “Yes Eren, it’s me, your friend Armin.” 

He looked at me, I felt his eyes going up and down all over me. “You look, cute today, the clothes, they suit you.” 

“Thanks, Historia picked them out.”

“Armin really does suit them; you have a good eye for these sorts of things.”

“Yes, she does look super cute doesn’t she.”

“She? Did Armin tell you the whole story?”

“She did.” 

“Armin would you prefer I refer to you like a girl, or a boy?”

“I think I’d prefer it if you referred to me like a girl, I don’t know why but it makes me feel better to hear people refer to me like that, if it’s okay.”

“Of course, you did say you were going to become a girl, this is an important part of it. You do seem, a little different to me.”

“Different how?”

“Happier.” He paused, “also cuter than I imagined.”

“I feel happier, now that you’re here. How was training today?”

“Normal, ever since Hange assumed command they haven’t had time to ‘experiment,’ on me, and the rest is normal drills. Are you going to start coming back to training again, Armin?”

“I want to, I have things I actually want to do.”

“I know I went to the trouble of cleaning your room, but you don’t have to spend all your time there. You know it’s good to see you out of your room.”

“It’s good to see you too Eren, out of your room, I know you’ve been having a difficult time too recently.”

“Have I?”

Before long Mikasa came to join us, interrupting our conversation. 

“Ah Mikasa it’s been a while.”

“Eren, why is Armin dressed like Historia.”

“It’s because she asked and I wanted to help style her Mikasa, and besides what do you think of my handywork.” 

“Armin does look better this way.” That was all Mikasa said before getting back to her food.

“She does look cute.” Interjected Eren, focussing on the stew in front of him. 

“Well of course she does, like I said.”

“Historia, I think they know that you picked them out, thank you for doing that for me.”

“You don’t need to keep thanking me you know, you’re the one everyone’s calling cute. Sure, I put everything together, but in the end, I wanted to make you happy.”

“Armin does seem happier.” Came Mikasa’s reply. She did seem rather busy trying to eat as quickly as she could.

“She does.” Agreed Eren.

I swear these siblings they’re almost extensions of each other, when they’re together. It’s nice though having them agree like this, I suppose this wasn’t the best time for seeing the two of them. In the end they finished eating soon after and left, with nothing but empty bowls to signify they were even there in the first place. 

“Well Armin, thank you for letting me dress you and everything.”

“You don’t need to thank me.”

“Now you know how it feels.” She said with a smug smile.

“Anyway, it’s about time I attended to my other responsibilities, I’m glad though, you seem happier than when we started.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow then Historia.”

“You will.” She said moving away and giving me a wave, and then, I was alone again. 

I had become somewhat accustomed to it, yet now it felt a little depressing. I retired to my room, and went back to my piles of books, taking the occasional notes, this time sitting at my table with the lap, keeping an orderly stack of papers unlike before. I couldn’t undo Eren’s work so easily. Eventually there was a knock at my door, I opened it, only to see Eren, it was as though he’d run all the way here to see me, and he was panting a little, though being in good shape like he is, it mustn’t have been much effort for him to get here. 

“Eren!” I hugged him, and he hugged back, I was so excited to see him, to have him come here.

“It’s good to see you too Armin. Shall we go inside?”

I nodded, holding his hand. It was as though there was something different, between the two of us, his willingness to touch me and be touched. I enjoyed it. He looked at me slightly differently. 

“You even smell nice too.”

I laughed a little, “Historia again, she picked out some perfume for me. I’m glad you like it.”

“Armin you look, really cute. Girl cute.” 

“You don’t need to keep on saying it. So, do you think that perhaps things might work.”

“There are still things you need to do to be a girl, maybe something with your voice, but other than that I just need to get myself used to you as a girl. The more difficult part for me, is having known you as a guy until yesterday, I still need time to adjust. You do really look cute though.”

We sat down on the bed together and hugged some more, it felt nice, just to be close to someone. “Hey Eren, do you mind if we lie down here together?”

“Armin I’m not going to sleep here, besides your bed is only a single and it won’t be comfortable.”

“I know you move around in your sleep; we shared a bunk back when we were cadets remember, but I didn’t mean that, I just think it’d be more comfortable if we were lying down opposite each other.”

“Well okay, it is nice to be closer to you. You’re, my girl after all.”

“So, you see me as a girl.”

“Well, you’re certainly getting there Armin.”

Just hearing him say those words made me feel, warm, and happy. We moved to be lying down opposite each other, I could look straight into his eyes. I felt that urge again, that urge to kiss him, I was worried, I didn’t want to start his awkwardness again. 

“Armin, your bed is nice and soft.”

“That’s because you got the sheets for me, it is comfortable. You being here makes it more comfortable, and these clothes and everything.”

“I’m glad.”

“You know Eren, I was talking about this with Historia earlier, but what would it be like for you, if, if I wasn’t here, if I didn’t make it.”

He paused and broke the eye contact for a moment, thinking, it was almost as if he was in pain.

“Eren.” 

“Armin. I need you, if you weren’t here, the world wouldn’t make sense anymore. I just need you, and I couldn’t imagine being here without you. You’ve always been the person driving me forward, the person coming up with the plans that saved the day. I couldn’t live in a world without you, you’re really important.”

Emotions started to bubble up inside, tears coming forward. “Even more important than Erwin?”

“Armin, it’s okay, you need to be here. I’m really happy you’re here and that’s all that matters, you don’t need to live up to anyone. You should live for yourself, be yourself, and become more and more the person I’m falling in love with.”

I started crying again, and we cuddled, he pulled me close, and moved his hand through my hair. I could smell him, I felt comfortable surrounded by him, it was Eren, and he needed me. I felt a bit better, held against his chest. I could even hear his heart beating. We lay like that for a while taking the world in.   
“Are you feeling any better”

“I am, thank you for being here, for spending time with me.”

“You’re cute, and you’re good to be around and making you happy, in a weird way, it makes me happy.”

“You being happy makes me happy too.”

“Though why did you say I hadn’t been doing well?” 

“You have been, haven’t you?”

“No. Armin, I’ve been doing fine, I was a little worried when you, retreated away from everything, but today and yesterday you’ve started getting out again. It’s made me feel relaxed.”

“But even with everything we know, all the new stuff, and the people we lost?”

“We’ll figure something out, we always do, or you always do at least.”

“You mean you were fine?”

“We’ve been through a lot Armin, I wasn’t going to break down, I would’ve thought that knowing, and the power that comes from that would make you feel better.”

“It’s not just knowing it’s the whole situation. It’s everything that happened, the people who died so that I could still be here.” 

“I know that feeling too, so many people have died because of what I did or didn’t do, so many people have died to protect me. I can’t think about it or dwell on it, all I can say is that they gave their lives knowing what they were getting into. I’m sure Erwin knew he would die when he made that charge. Being someone, who people give their lives for isn’t something to be guilty about. In a way it shows that you mean lots to lots of people.”

“That means you have to live up to their sacrifices.”

“I’d say so. We do have a responsibility to other people to help them, to make their lives mean something through us.”

“I suppose that’s why I’m trying to look at all those strategy books to be like Erwin, to make up for his death.”

“I’m not sure you’re being all that healthy on that Armin. You need to stop dwelling on Erwin, his time came, and you weren’t involved in anything, you don’t need to take his place, but if you wanted to you already have everything right here.” Poking at my head. “You don’t need to worry about everything. Remember what I said, you need to stop dwelling on it.” 

“You just said.”

“I know what I said, I know I said, you need to make their lives mean something through what you do, but dwelling on it, at a time when we’ve already done that, isn’t healthy. I’m sure Erwin would be happy to know that we’ve retaken Wall Maria. Don’t dwell on it.”

“I suppose you’re right; can we cuddle again.”

“Of course.” 

He pulled me close again, and once more I felt comforted. I still couldn’t let go of, everything. At least in his arms, nothing mattered. I could spend the rest of my time in his embrace. Looking up at his jaw at everything, my urge to kiss him had become even worse. 

“Eren can we, do something else?” 

“What else?”

“Can we kiss?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“You are cute, very cute, I’m just not sure. I don’t want things to feel weird again.”

“I get that, but with me like this, and everything we could try it. If it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t.”

“I need time to adjust, to you as you are now.”

“Please.” I drew out my request trying to get him to go along with it.

“Okay, though I don’t know why you’re so interested, it’s not like I’m a good kisser.” 

We adjusted our position, with my head opposite his, only closer than before, I felt my heart beat quicken, as I felt his breath against my face, I closed my eyes, and gently made contact with his lips. It felt so, intimate, to be there, to kiss him, and he seemed to kiss back. In the end he broke the kiss.

“That was, intense.”

I could feel something else inside of me, a kind of warmth, I wanted to do more. To be even closer to him. 

“Armin, was that your first kiss?”

I blushed.

“I thought so.”

“Was it good?”

“It was, it felt nice, more intense than I thought.”

“Do you feel awkward?”

“I don’t, you’re too cute for things to feel awkward.”

“Do you want to do it again at all? It’s okay if you don’t want to. And thanks for just going this far with me and everything.”

“We can if you want to. I’m not sure I’d be comfortable doing much more than that, at least, for now.”

“I think I’d rather just cuddle for a bit.” 

“It is getting late Armin. Unless you’d like to sleep in the same bed, like when we were cadets.”

“Could we?”

“Why don’t we try it. Today has been about us trying new things together.” 

“Shouldn’t we get undressed?”

“It’s a little quick for that Armin, why don’t we strip down a little, instead.” 

“I usually sleep wearing not much.”

“Really? I guess that explains the sheets.” 

I blushed, “Well, it just kind of feels more comfortable that way.”

He chuckled, “You’re adorable when you’re embarrassed too. Anyway, I’m going to strip down a little so I’m not too hot in the night.”

I blushed again as he started removing his pants.

“Armin are you just going to stare?”

“No, I’m just, I’m just looking at you.” 

“And you were so adamant you didn’t like guys.” Giving me a smug grin. I guess he really enjoyed teasing me, though that’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it. 

“It’s not, never mind.” Letting out a sigh, to let him know he’d won. 

I set about stripping myself, the buttons on the skirt came off easier than I had expected, and after removing my socks, I was left in the blouse and underwear, fitting night attire. It was then that I looked back at Armin, he was staring at me, at every corner of me. Looking me up and down. I felt embarrassed but also, desired, and happy to be desired by him. 

“Well?” I said looking back at him, giving him a smile.

“You look good Armin. You look like a girl, a flat chested girl, but a girl nonetheless.” 

I knew I did, his gaze made it obvious but having him say it out loud made me feel even better. It was nice to have him call me a girl too, to make me feel happy in myself.

“We should get to bed Armin.” 

“We should.” I walked over, back to the bed and got under the blankets with him. It was warm, but comfy, and gradually we came to get closer, and started touching each other, turning to look each other in the eyes, until he ran his foot along my leg. 

“Armin, you should get rid of some of your body hair.” 

“I know. I know how to shave my legs you know.”

“You do?”

“I used to shave after training, but I stopped that routine recently.” 

“That makes a lot of sense. You know when we bunked together, I was always surprised at your lack of body hair, I just assumed you were a late bloomer.”

While having him be here and friendly felt good, the atmosphere at shifted a little, we wouldn’t go any further tonight. It was comfortable having him here, in my bed. Even if it was too warm to get any sleep, or too cold if he stole all the blankets. 

“Remember when we did this back when we were cadets.” I said, while snuggled up against him.

“It feels like a long time ago really.”

“It does. I’m glad we’re getting closer though. It’s nice to know you’re here.”

He looked into my eyes, and placed a hand on my face, running his thumb along my cheek, my face felt warm, yet instead of mocking me, he gave me a smile, one I’d never seen before. A calm, loving smile, and I couldn’t help but respond. 

“I’m glad we could be closer, I never really thought any of this could happen.” 

“Me neither. Though if I’m honest I’d always wanted things to end up like this. I did see you as my friend, but there was something else there too, I just was too embarrassed to admit it. That is until now. Thank you for giving me a chance.”

“I’m still getting used to it. My childhood friend becoming the girl I’m dating; it’s going to take some adjustment. I’m a little dim, and I don’t think my words through all the time, I’m not smart like you Armin, so it might take a little time for everything to fall into place.”

“I’ll be with you the whole way. You’re the only person for me.”

“We should get some sleep.” 

“You’re right, it’s just nice, talking and staying up, like when we were younger.” 

“It does take me back. Still if we’re going to go to training at all, you’ll need to be awake early.”

“I think I’d rather be with Historia, at least to carry on with everything, at least in the morning.” 

“I can talk it over with Levi maybe he’d let you participate in the afternoon.”

“We’ll see, I’ll start going back to training soon enough. I just want to work everything out still.” 

“Yeah, I get that, it just wouldn’t be good for you to stay out of it for so long.”

“You’re right, I’ll try my best.”

“Well, we should get some sleep. No matter what I need to be up early.” 

“I won’t keep you up any longer.” I felt words bubbling up inside me. “I love you.” I instantly regretted those words, just after, as his eyes changed, and his smile shifted.

“I’m sorry Armin, I’m just not sure how I really feel about you. I thought you said you wouldn’t push me?”

“It was a mistake, it just felt right to me, in the moment.”

“You keep on pushing at boundaries.” 

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault.” 

“It is.”

The silence after that cut through me. I didn’t know how to feel, about him, I just wanted to be closer, but he wasn’t ready for me. I just needed to try harder.

“I’m sorry.”

“Let’s get some sleep.”

I closed my eyes, trying to move past everything, Eren fell asleep before me, and started moving as I remembered. He didn’t snore though, he took long deep breaths, he was adorable, and he was right here. Even if we weren’t quite connecting at the moment. He was here.


	5. Voice and help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More development of Armin, I hope you enjoy!

I woke up, later than usual, not because of staying up late or any other reason, some days I just happened to sleep longer. I looked out, the window shutters were open and it looked as though my room had been slightly ordered. Eren was no-where to be seen, there was little trace of him here. I let out a sigh. It was almost as if last night hadn’t happened. Maybe it would’ve been better if it hadn’t. It was weighing down on me. Why do I always let my desires get the better of me. I ran my hands over the sheets where he lay. He probably wouldn’t again. I suppose I had no other option than to speak to Historia, she’s the only person who might know how to help with things. I sighed as I got into guy clothes, I felt slightly worse about it all.

“Historia!”

“Armin, what’s the matter, did you run here?”

“I did.” 

“Why? Did something bad happen?”

“Not in the world, just, Eren and I, well I said something and now everything’s awkward again.”

“What exactly was it?”

“I said ‘I love you,’ to him, and it seemed to ruin the mood.”

“The mood? Armin what exactly were the two of you doing?”

“We were cuddling in bed, clothed! We were both relatively clothed.” My face felt warm again.

She chuckled “Ah I see, well I suppose it makes sense.” She paused. “I’m not really sure how to help you, it’s natural that you’d say what you did, and natural that he’d respond awkwardly.” 

“He said I kept on pushing his boundaries.” 

“Yeah, I was worried there might’ve been something like that.” She trailed off thinking. “This is going to be difficult, because you’re both in different stages of the relationship, Eren’s only just getting used to being able to even consider you as a partner, you, consider yourselves already in a deep relationship, it’s a precarious situation.” 

“What do I do?”

“I’m not that experienced at any of this. I want to help but, I’m not sure.” She paused for a while, but I didn’t really know how to respond to her, how to say anything at all. “Maybe we carry on with what we’ve been doing, making you into more of a girl.” 

“I’d like to do that, and it might even help, it just feels like I need to do more than just that.” 

“I don’t know the answer, though know I’m cheering for you Armin. Besides the two of you are absolutely adorable together.” 

I chuckled a little “I’m glad you think so, I don’t think I would’ve even been able to do this without you.” 

“What can we do to make you more of a girl today?” 

“I want to work on my voice and there’s a couple of things I need to do myself.” 

“Your voice, right, well like always there isn’t much we need to do, but would you like to get changed, into something better?”

“I would.” 

“Let’s go back to my room, though Armin you should really just get everything moved to yours. I’m sure it’d make you feel a little better.” 

“I suppose it’d be a good idea; I suppose you’re right.”

We walked back to the palace, slower this time, she wasn’t as rushed or perhaps, as excited as yesterday. It seemed as though she was deep in thought, distracted or something like that. I knew she wanted me to be happy, it was always comforting to have her here, have her be in my life, rooting for me. We got changed in much the same way as yesterday. Then sat down.

“We were going to do something with you’re voice today weren’t we?”

“I think so.” 

“I did some reading for once, I heard how women have their voice boxes slightly higher up in their throat than men do, so I was thinking we could just try something based around having you try to raise it or something yourself.” 

“I guess I could try it.”

I felt the muscles tense, there was something back there, something I could move, I was kind of surprised I could figure it out so quickly. I tried to say something, it felt slightly weird though my voice did come out slightly higher than normal, and it sounded almost completely like a girl’s voice.

“Very good! Though you need practice, you sound a bit, well shaky and nasally. I suppose.”

“I’m not really sure, do I just say lots of stuff?”

“Maybe try syllables or individual words but you say them in different pitches, or something, up and down, to adjust to how your voice is.”

“Let’s try it!”

I then started to just repeat simply syllables, over and over, up and down for each, gradually the movements became more natural, I could breathe more normally, and the sound started to come together after a little while. I felt almost overjoyed at each bit, at each sound, marking me as more and more of a girl. I felt more comfortable in myself, as it all came together and my voice sounded higher.

“I think this is going quite well.”

“I think so too, though Armin there’s no real need to put your voice quite so high, I’m afraid you’ll end up sounding weird, the point is sounding natural, not sounding overly high or anything.”

“Weird?”

She sighed, “like you’re faking it or something like that.”

“I guess you’re right.” 

I started trying again, trying to tune my voice to something that felt right continuing the exercises. Eventually, it clicked, and Historia’s face lit up with a smile. It was as if she could feel how I was feeling. It was all coming together and things would be much better from here on out. 

“That’s much better!”

“Really?”

“You sound like a normal girl, and a cute one at that!”

A normal girl, I didn’t realise I’d be able to be one, ever. Throughout everything I’d mostly just assumed, that I’d have to be a guy, but every guy wanted to be a girl. I thought I had to be attracted to girls because every guy I knew, was attracted to girls. I could finally do things as I’d always wanted, and live how I’d always wanted. 

Historia looked concerned,

“You’re crying Armin.”

I didn’t realise, I felt, so happy, so deeply emotional, that they couldn’t help but bubble out of the pot.

“I feel happy.”

“That’s good.”

“I don’t have to be that guy I thought I did; I can do whatever I want. That’s what makes me happy.”

“You don’t. I’m glad to hear that I can make you happy.”

“Thanks for helping me out with all of this.”

“Well, I wish I could help more, I wish I could help you, smooth things over with Eren, but it doesn’t seem like I can come up with anything.”

“It’s okay, I feel like this is something that’s only for me to figure out. It’s my relationship after all, and my future with him, I can’t keep coming to you for help, forever.”

“You’re right.”

There was a pause for a moment.

“Should we move the clothes over? Besides it seems like you can put them on better today.”

“More or less.” 

It didn’t take long to start moving the stuff from one room to the other, and we ended up getting help. While walking through the corridors eventually we stumbled across Jean. I was surprised, that he wasn’t at training, with Eren and the others, I gave him a wave, it seemed like he couldn’t quite place me initially, before realising.

“Armin, it’s been a while.”

“It has, how are you Jean?”

“I’m good, I’m alright, yeah, I’m just trying to work through some stuff.”

“Stuff?” I looked at him curiously.

“Everything that happened, everything we found out, about the world, about, everything. The captain’s death.” He stopped himself. “I’m sure you don’t want to talk about that much though.” 

“Yeah.” I let out a sigh. “That stuff. I’ve found it really, really, difficult too, I didn’t leave my room much for a bit, while I was trying to, figure out things, I’ve felt strange, about how I came to be alive in the end.”

“It was a difficult situation. I’m glad you’re here though.” He gazed through the window, breaking eye contact. “I’ve realised, that the way to work past it, is to try and just not think about it. To try and move past it, focus on the people who are here. The lives that burn on.” 

I paused; I wasn’t sure how to respond. It felt heavy, though also a little depressing, everyone else had their own way of working through what happened in Shingashina. Except me that is. 

“You know Armin, it seems like you’ve done that in your own way.”

“What? What makes you say that.”

“With your clothes, you’re trying to find something else to put yourself into, it makes sense.”

“I’m not sure you get it Jean; I think I’d need to tell you the whole story.”

“What do you mean by whole story?”

“Well, this is how I’ve always wanted to be, I thought every guy just wanted to end up a girl, somehow, I didn’t think it was possible, but then Historia, she helped me. And Eren too.”

“Ah I see, so do you want me to say that you’re a girl now?”

“Yes, please, well if you could.”

“I’ll try my best, and anyway you seem like a girl to me, I couldn’t tell it was you there, and your voice it sounds, more girlish than before.”

My heart sang, I felt happy again. 

“Thank you for saying so, you’re not just saying it right?”

He paused, and let out a breath. “Honestly, I don’t really get it, but you sound really sincere and set on everything, it would be strange of me to take all of this away from you. I don’t know anything about it, but if I didn’t know you before, and I saw and heard you know, I’d just assume you’d been a girl the whole time. I hope you can end up happy, and maybe it’ll make you move on from what happened easier.”

“I think it has in a way, and Eren’s there with me.”

“You must’ve been apart from Eren then yesterday.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He seemed, restless and kind of grumpy today, so you must’ve been apart, I’d assume.”

I felt, some deep despair rising in my heart, I was struggling not to let my emotions paint themselves all over my face, struggling to keep the tears in.

“Yeah, I couldn’t see him last night and we couldn’t talk much so, it makes sense he’d be like that.”

He laughed “and everyone says I don’t have a handle on relationships. Anyway, I’ll see you around Armin.” 

He gave a wave, and then started walking in a different direction, and I didn’t even catch what he was doing walking around like this. I picked up the sack of clothes and moved back to my room, I wasn’t quite sure where Historia was, it seems we’d gotten separated or distracted at some point. Still while I was worried about Eren, or more, worried about he felt about me now. I keep on taking risks, listening to myself and pushing him apart, ignoring his boundaries. Maybe I’m not quite cut out for this whole relationship thing, it was too good to be true from the start. I’d always wanted to be with him, yearned for him, somewhere deep inside. I needed to get better, I needed to talk to him, if things were going to work out, and try and keep myself in check. I eventually reached my room, Historia was there and it seemed like she’d been there for a while, she was sitting and my desk reading something. I couldn’t quite see what.

“There you are! I was wondering where you’d gotten off to.”

“Happened to see Jean in the corridor, and I kind of felt like talking to him, considering I hadn’t seen him in a while and stuff.”

“It’s nice you got to talk to him. I didn’t mind waiting, I found a book to read.”

I looked over and then noticed it was the book about how to be with women, the one I’d discussed with Eren earlier.

“I can’t believe men see us like this.” 

“I don’t think they necessarily do, Eren seemed to phrase things differently.”

“Oh?”

“He seemed to base his attraction I suppose, in just the shape of women, and how cute they are, the sort of, idea of owning a woman and taking her, that didn’t seem to be something he thought much about.”

“It is pretty objectifying though.”

“It is. Though. I don’t know.”

“What?”

“Well, the thought of being a part of someone, the thought of them being attracted, maybe even aroused by me, I find that something I actually enjoy.”

“I guess I can understand it, that feeling of being wanted. Though what if you found out that was all Eren thought about you, he just saw you as something pretty he was attracted to, or if you found that some random person was stalking you because he thought you were pretty, and then you found him staring at you. I think there’s a line between feeling attractive, because someone else is attracted to you, and wanted, and feeling objectified, there’s a pretty clear difference.” 

“Yeah, you’re right, I guess I’m just new to all of this.”

“It’s fine, you haven’t really had to think about it.”

“I guess the difference is that time, in the warehouse.”

“I heard. I can imagine, being assaulted like that is going to affect anyone.”

“Yeah. A little.” 

“Are you okay with it, Armin?”

“I’m okay, I wish I could just move past it, but I can’t, that fear of powerlessness, it’s just haunted me. From Trost, from Shingashina, everything, even now, even now with the power of a titan within me, I feel like that scared child being chased around by bullies. The warehouse only made me feel even worse, about my own inability to protect anyone, even myself. I’ll have to live as a burden. I’ll never be able to figure out being a titan, and I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to hurt everyone. I know what it feels like to be hurt, I’ve been hurt a lot, I don’t want anyone else to feel that at my hand. I’ve already hurt so many, and becoming a Titan, I can’t add to that.” 

“It’s a lot for you to get to grips with.”

“It’s not just that, titans are people now.”

“Yeah.”

“I ended so many people’s lives, I need, I need a hug.”

Without hesitation she gave me a hug, it was nice and comfy though it felt, very different from the hugs I gave Eren. It felt warm, to receive affection like this, without any reservation. Just a normal hug, some affirmation from someone who cared about me, I started to feel a little happier. 

“Thanks Historia, thank you for being, there for me, throughout all of this trying to help me, teaching me things I couldn’t have known before. Without you, all of this would be much more difficult.” 

“I just wanted to make a friend happy, that’s all I’m worried about.” She paused. “Why don’t we go and see the orphans?”

“No, I appreciate the offer, I need to see Eren, no matter what, I just need to talk to him, to try and have one more chance with him. Besides if I loiter around the training grounds, I’m sure I’ll run into him, somehow, I just have to talk to him, I can’t let things continue to fester on like this.”

“Good luck then Armin, I should go and look after them, I hope you go well, I’ll be around with the orphans or around tomorrow, if you need to talk that is.”

“See you, Historia!” 

I waved, and then set myself to the direction that I thought Eren would be.


	6. Bruises and Cuddles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So for this chapter a couple of CWs bullying and light transphobia. Sorry it's taken me awhile to get this chapter out, for any readers who are still interested. The pacing could do with some work, but I find it difficult to really add filler. Comments, messages etc. are welcome.

The training grounds, somewhere I hadn’t really been as of recently. I was letting myself go a little, I was softer, though part of me didn’t mind, I did feel guilty. Though at the same time I wasn’t sure I had much fight left within me. I didn’t want to fight or kill anymore; it was all a bit too much. Though I wonder, what the people who died for me to stand here would say, I do owe it to them to carry on fighting, whatever we have to, now. Someone was coming towards me, I vaguely recognised them, it was Foch, the one with ginger hair. He gave me a confused look, as if he couldn’t quite place me, then it clicked and he started walking towards me, fast.

“Hi there Foch.” 

“Armin?”

“Hello.” 

“What are you doing? Like this? You’re not at training, what’s gotten into you?”

I couldn’t quite respond; I couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze.

“I had heard you’d gone all weird, but this, becoming a freak, it’s just comical really. How could Levi bring you back, you’re of no use to anyone.”

I stepped back even further. 

He grabbed me.

“You need to hear this, you need to know how it feels, to see the people you care about thrown away, for some freak.” 

“Leave me alone,” I said trying to bat his hand away.

“You’re not going to get away.”

I met his gaze.

“Please.”

He looked me, dead in the eyes.

“No.” 

He grabbed me, and pushed me to the wall, I tried to escape, but he was just, stronger than me, I tried kicking and writhing. I tried everything to escape, but he wouldn’t let me. I was left in fear, in powerlessness, like all those times when Eren and I were small, where those bullies would hit me. I couldn’t do anything. I more than anything though I felt guilty. For all the sacrifices I was rendering vain by trying to live for myself, for shirking training. For not trying to be useful for anyone, for all of it. I stopped resisting. I’d just let it happen, closing my eyes, breathing out slowly. He then hit me for the first time, I was more used to it, I hadn’t trained, but I hadn’t forgotten all the pain I’d been through. He continued, for a moment, and then pulled me into a head lock, he pressed his hands against my neck. It was for a few seconds, or maybe longer, I’m not really sure, he let go, and I collapsed, seeing myself cough up blood. Looking back at him, he kicked me over.

“Erwin died, so a freak, a coward, who won’t even resist could live. You can’t save anyone.”

I wallowed on the floor, as his kicks connected, for a while. I didn’t know what to do, how to escape or anything. I just lay there. Hearing his words. Before long there were footsteps, a group of people. Then hurried steps, and then the sound of a fist connecting, the kicks stopped. 

“Get away from her!” The voice, was, Eren’s. He had come, like all those times before to save me. 

“Her? As if Armin could be called a girl.” 

There was another step, as Eren stamped, the sound ringing out. 

“Leave.” 

I started to pick myself up off of the ground. I hurt, my skirt was dirty, from the floor, and my blouse had marks from his boots, around my collar too were specks of blood. My throat felt strange, I couldn’t talk. I looked over at Eren, and felt tears welling up inside. Before they could, his arms were around me. I cried, and felt him around me, comforting me, making me feel, safe again. I cried like that for a while, and he kept his arms around me, and the rest of the group seemed to catch up before long. They looked at me, at Eren, as I bawled my eyes out holding onto him tight. There was nothing they could say, as everyone took it in, the sound of my cries, made all the stranger by the injuries I had felt, echoing down the cloisters. 

When I caught a glimpse of the group, they looked shocked. There was still blood staining my collar. Everything was wrong, except his arms around me. He wasn’t going to let me go, and I wasn’t going to let him go. Eventually I started to calm down and stop crying, and he whispered to me.

“Armin, do you want to come back to my room?”

I tried to make a sound, but my voice just wouldn’t come back, quite yet. I broke the hug, looked him in the eye and nodded. 

“Actually, first we should go to the infirmary.” 

I nodded again, he held my hand and, there isn’t much to say about the infirmary, Sasha, was still there recovering in another room, so I heard, but in the end, I didn’t meet her. Eren was with me the whole time, holding my hand. A doctor came, told me to open my mouth and examined it. He said it was inflamed but the swelling would stop, and it would heal, relatively quickly. I was relieved to hear. 

Eren held my hand the whole way back to his room. He was kind and thoughtful, though quiet, not that there was much I could respond to his words with, before long I was back in his room. The sun was setting at this point, bathing the horizon. Eren seemed to be looking around his room for something, I wasn’t quite sure what, he was looking for, until he said something. 

“Armin, do you have a pencil, some paper? I don’t really have anything here.” 

I shook my head. Though of course I kept both things in my room, but the words wouldn’t come out, I suppose I’d just have to wait for Eren to realise. Though I did keep on staring at him, hoping that he’d work something out. 

“You kept a lot of paper and writing stuff in your room didn’t you Armin?”

I nodded. 

“We’re not going to sleep there tonight though. I want you here, near me, I don’t want to let you go.”

My face got warm again, I nodded. It felt nice again, to have him really care about me. It reminded me of the bullies when I was younger, when they used to hurt me, and he would fight them, even fruitlessly. Then at the end he’d take me to his mom’s where she’d help with whatever injuries were incurred. He’d always get scolded for hurting himself, and I laughed it off a little, his mom used to baby me and look after me. Then he tried to get me to stay over sometimes I would, sometimes I wouldn’t. I always felt better though, being with him afterwards. We walked to my room, hand in hand again, the sacks of clothes in a couple of corners. 

“Are those your new clothes?”

I nodded.   
"They're really cute." He paused, surveying the rest of the room. “Ah that’s right the pencil and notebook.” He said, presumably thinking aloud. “Here, now you can communicate.” 

He handed me both, and I started a reply, “thank you.” I wrote. 

He chuckled “This is a solution until you can talk again.”

I nodded.

“I’m glad to see your room is still nice and clean.”

“You did it for me. I could not undo your hard work.” I wrote.

“I suppose so.” He said after examining my writing. “Your writing is chaotic as ever.”

“At least it is comprehensible.” I wrote, and pressed the pad in his face, pouting.

“Okay, okay, anyway, Armin do you want to go back to my room.”

I smiled and nodded. Again, our hands linked. Happily, I walked back, and we sat down on his bed. 

He looked me in the eyes and then asked “Armin, I’m sorry but if you could, tell me, what happened with Foch, I can guess most of it, but I just want to know, what he did to you, what happened, how I can help.” 

I nodded, breaking his eye contact, and then started writing. I started by describing how he reacted to me, how I tried to escape, the things he called me, and what I remembered of it, and the part with him and my neck. The kicks and the punches, telling him everything. I handed the note to him. His face fell, and a mix of emotions ran over his face, sadness, and anger together. He hugged me, unprompted and fast, in a single fluid motion, taking me back. 

“I’m sorry that happened Armin, I’m sorry, I should’ve been there for you, I’m sorry.”

“It is not your fault.” I wrote. 

“It is. Maybe you could’ve been a bit stronger, but that’s not your fault with everything. I’m sorry, for all of this.”

“Neither of us knew that he would react like that Eren.” I wrote, pressing the note to him. 

“I guess so. Are you doing okay now, Armin?”

I nodded, and tightened my arms around him. We got to bed earlier that day. Much earlier than usual. Without the pastime of conversation, he just held me, he made me feel safe, everything I could’ve hoped for. All that I needed to make myself feel normal. Waking up I felt, warm, then I felt an arm around me, he hadn’t left this time, I smiled, he was breathing deeply, still fast asleep. He stayed next to me, it looked like mid-morning, a little late for training, I sighed, and went under the bed covers, back to its warm embrace, I felt safe there, surrounded by warmth, comfort, and the person in the world who seemed to care about me most. I spent awhile longer, lying on my side, staring into his eyes, looking at his adorable sleeping face, taking in every detail. It happened rather suddenly it seemed that his eyes came to open, like a flower blooming. He looked tired, immediately, his eyes still partially closed. Then he noticed me. 

“Good morning Armin.”

I tried to speak and I was able to reply “good morning.” 

My voice sounded strange and not like I had wanted, but things were still healing, it hurt to try and move things. 

“You can talk!”

“A little. It hurts a bit though.” 

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there.”

“It wasn’t your fault Eren. Thank you for being here now, it means a lot.”

“It’s like when we were little only.” He paused, as if unable to finish what he was saying. “Anyway. I love you, Armin.” 

He said it so casually it took me by surprise. I didn’t know what to say.

“I love you too.” 

It came out so easily. I wanted to ask him, why he seemed to have changed, so quickly. I wanted to ask him, to understand him.

“You aren’t just saying that to make me happy after everything.”

“Do I need to explain myself Armin?” 

“I just want to make sure that you mean it.” 

“I mean it, trust me.” 

“I’m sorry for pushing past your boundaries.”

“It wasn’t that, it was me. I was finding it difficult, to consider being with you, you’d always been a guy, you’d always been just a friend of mine, I was struggling, I wasn’t sure if I could even be with you. Then I saw Foch standing over you, hitting you and something felt different. It was wasn’t like the bullies before, I, cared more about you, you're my girl and I should be protecting you more than ever. I’m not going to let that happen again. Ever.” 

I felt happy hearing him say it, hearing him call me a girl. It made me feel all warm and happy. I held him even tighter. I didn’t feel the need to answer, and let my cuddle communicate everything. I felt safe and happy, protected by my boyfriend. Though I did want clarity.

“So, does this make us, a thing?”

“A thing?”

“Well, you know, an item.” 

“Of course.” 

“You’re my boyfriend.” 

“And you’re my girlfriend.” He paused “You know Armin, you do need lots of clarity in things I’ve noticed.” 

“It’s not that common. I just need to know for sure, I think. I need to know, for sure that something this good, something that I’ve longed for, for such a long time, that it’s true, I need clarity in that. Because good things don’t happen to me.” 

“It’ll be okay Armin, from here on out, we’re together.” 

“Together.” I repeated. 

Eventually we started to get out of bed. I didn’t want to let go of him, to leave the bed, but we probably had things to do. Eren did, he did have the hopes of humanity on his shoulders, or something more complicated than that, at this point. It’s all rather unclear, for my part I just wanted to be with Eren.


End file.
